farewell.

So I was jumping around on myspace and I saw a picture of you. You were wearing the shirt your parents buried you in. How weird is that? You wear this shirt to school every once in a while and it turns out thats the shirt your buried in. You pick this shirt out because you like it and you think it's nice .. But did you know you would be put into the cold fucking ground with it?

I really wish that it was me, I have nothing. No good traits or aspects. People would care, But careless. If only I could stop having this dream. I've never had the same dream so many times. Twice a week. It's starting to piss me off. It always starts off as it usually would happen in real life, I'm at a party and I'm having a casual shy conversation with someone like I always would. I go downstairs and theres a bunch of kids, then theres you. I'm kinda tipsy and stuff and I'm looking for a familiar face. Then I see your's. We always have on the same clothes except I don't remember what I'm wearing. You as always are wearing your skippy peanut butter teeshirt, just like you did when you were alive. So I go over and talk to you and I'm really nervous for some reason and I never get nervous around guys usually so its really awkward for me. Then we start talking and we go upstairs so its quite, you always walk up the stairs first. I'm always trailing behind you. we close a door to a bedroom and were sitting in the dark and its quite and i'm holding my cup up to my teeth like I always do when i'm nervous but i'm trying not to be. So we talk about different stuff everytime and you always touch my hand. Then it stops. You get up and say you have to leave to go home, I tell you I can take you. But for some reason you never let me. and consciously I know what happens next so I run after you and tell you I'm not drunk please let me take you home. You run out the door and i chase after you down the street and I know what happens aftter this so I run faster and faster. And then you're gone. Just like that. You were gone. I sit on the curb and close my eyes, when I open them I'm in the car with my brother in the front seat on the highway. I open my eyes in the car and the clock says 12:45. He mentions something about the traffic and I just stare at the clock. Somethings wrong and I know it I just can't remember what. Then I remember. Traffic? at 1 in the morning? Then I see the road is blocked off. I tell him to pull over somewhere safe and at this point i'm not being very patient. I get out of the car and suddenly I'm by myself. There are no cars, Just street lights and that feeling you get in April when the weathers just right. So I walk towards something and its you. But your not dead. your just standing there in the middle of the road. I walk up to you very confused and I try to talk but I can't. You start to walk towards me and now I have these horrible tears in my eyes that I'm far to familiar with. You hug me, but now you're wearing the shirt you were buried in. I finally mouth out "The first time I saw you, you gave me two feelings. When I first saw your face I knew, I knew you were going to die young and it scared me how much I felt that. I never looked at anyone before and said Hey! you;re going to die young! And then I felt butterflies. stupid cute ones that I payed no attention too. Cause whatever I'm a girl." Now you never say a fucking word. You just pull away from the hug and kiss my forehead. And then you disapear.

You make me want to believe in God and in heaven. But I just can't believe that I'm still here and you aren't. Why should I be here? You were to great for your own good. You had this aura that fucking flowed from your body and into everyone else's. And I miss you. Kid who I barely knew. But you were always there, even if I didn't notice you. I kept wondering why I couldn't cry at your wake. and days after I kept forcing out these tears. I knew it would hit me but I didn't think it would be 3 months after. Fuck everything. Nothing matters anymore. There is no God, there is only you.



"some people have to die while they are too young because they have no resistance and, therefore, they are unable to fight against the evil in our world, which means that they would have become victims of other people's bad intentions and that's why their death meant salvation from many horrors. If they had continued to live, they would only have to suffer and they would lose the goodness they cultivated in their soul."


';

  Fuck. This is really bad. really really bad. shoot me please. please. please. please. please. please. stop this bullshit for once and let me be happy. why the fuck did you have to do something so stupid kid. why. why the fuck did you do that? Did you think no one cared?

    I was there for you. I always was fucking there for you and I'm sorry if you didn't ever think I was because I always was you fuck. I was. Taking your own fucking life like that you prick. we both used to listen to elliott, this was our favorite "Seen how things are hard, I love you though. Seen how things are hard. Well don't you know? Listening to what you thought was a dizzy height freaked out and forgot you stay well away from trouble that you caused, using all your strength to keep the world at an arm's length and not get upset because something goes wrong." well fuck you, we were supposed to get better together, we made a promise. so just fuck it. fuck everyone.


"You say you mean well, you don't know what you mean
Fucking oughta stay the hell away from things you know nothing about"

So, i need more absent notices so I can continue to cut class. Fuck school honestly who gives a fuck about anything i'm learning? This is not what I want to be doing with my life! I want to get a college education in some form of Art/therapy. Jesus Christ why do I need to know chemistry? Chemistry for fucks sake! I just finished reading Speak it was pretty good. I've read a lot of good books this year, I wish I read as much as I used to. I'm re-reading Perks  so yup. Things have been going so weird lately I just want to be happy. I need friends again. Why the fuck I do this to myself i don't know. I just push everyone who i think i'm close with away because I'm afraid of the fucking effort I would need to do in order to be friends with them. Every time I get close with someone I just feel like vomiting and then I regret ever trying in the first place. Every time I go out with my friends I always want to go home. Sometimes I just want to stay home and cuddle and watch movies. Why does everyone always need to be at a party? You crazy kids. I feel like this is my last chance at being normal and happy, or at least faking myself into thinking i'm happy. I have a million other things to say / that are on my mind but I can't.find.words. you do something to me, you really do.
                                                           ( Don't fuck it up!)



i need to remember to stop leaving my chapstick in my back pocket. it's warm and mooshy. i do not like.

life has a hilarious way of fucking you over day after day.
lol.

http://www.peta.org/animalliberation/display.asp